When control is taken from you, all you can do is control what you can!
What a year, so I thought it’s time to reflect on where I am at and unexpectedly, it’s out of control.
My art life is not just about what my art looks like but it encompasses every part of my life as every part of my life influences my mind and what comes from it. So as I sit here today, I haven’t picked up a pencil, a paint brush or anything art related in nearly 3 weeks, why? I couldn’t figure it out as it’s my go to when I’m stressed, my go to to escape but the last 3 weeks have really been hard inside my head and I really didn’t understand why.
It started when we got a positive test result for COVID on the 3rd Nov. Outwardly, I surprisingly wasn’t super worried about the results of having this disease unlike how I was initially when it first came into existence 2 years ago. But I guess underneath my calmness, I was still “waiting” for something bad to happen. All the stories we had heard, all the things that could impact our bodies response to this disease were just under the surface of my mind and it really couldn’t process anything and thus it didn’t. I vegged for 2 weeks, watching movies, tv series and living in that reality. I had lost control of yet another thing in my life, and this one could involve my death.
I read two Instagram post 2 days ago from Suzy Reading https://www.instagram.com/p/CWh_p_OsBNP/ that really resonated with me which has put it into perspective I guess as to why I’m feeling this way and it boils down to control.
“Less than 12 months ago we were in winter lock down….a pressure cooker….That’s why you’re worn out, Everyone is but not many people are talking about it. Still in a pandemic. Still recovering. Be gentle with yourself”. Then “Take a minute to pause and jot down everything you’ve weathered in just this year alone. You are fucking amazing”.
So I listed the big events. This year alone –
- we moved countries for the second time in less than 2 years
- we had 14 days of quarantine having flown into a new country.
- we had to find a new place to live while in quarantine
- we applied for a visa and forked out nearly £6k, all with no help, all online
- we had to set up a new life, while still dealing with Malta life leftovers
- we had to be involved with our new life here
- we had to deal with a huge lifestyle change of freezing weather
- we bought a house
- we moved again
- we had to set up again
- we had our tenant leave and our home in Australia was unattended and we were unable to go home to deal with it
- my visa application was rejected and I had 14 days to leave the country
- we had to find an alternative to the failed visa so I can stay here and another £2.5k forked out
- if that alternative fails it affects my ability to ever come back to the UK and my ability to visit my daughter and grandson
- everyday our life here is in limbo as my new application could still fail
- we got covid
I started to see a pattern emerging, I was losing control.
The year before was very similar, our life was not our own, yes we made a choice to leave our home and move to Malta to look after Bob’s parents. This really left us at the whim of other peoples life choices and thus in our own limbo. Covid hit and this limbo was made even worse with choices hinging on new rules, health, money and other peoples decisions. It was a very hard year on so many levels.
When we got to Scotland it felt like we had a chance to make our lives our own again and in reality we did until my visa application was rejected, then that control was gone. I cried for days, having that choice of being able to live close to someone you love taken from you was heartbreaking for me but it wasn’t the end of the world, so why did it affect me so badly?
Then when covid hit – poof, all control was gone. Again, why though, why this response? I survived, Bob did too, no bad outcomes, why?
I know I am in control of my thoughts, my everyday life, what goes in my body, what comes out of my mouth, mind, and heart but when the big picture is so controlled by external circumstances, the tiny part of my life that I can control seemed so inconsequential and I guess I overloaded.
So coming back to the two posts and putting it all together, I guess this is where I am – My whole life I’ve been in a slow cooker getting to boiling point slowly but these past 2 years it’s been more like a “pressure cooker…That’s why you’re worn out, Everyone is but not many people are talking about it” and now having jotted down everything “I’ve weathered in just this year alone, Still in a pandemic. Still recovering”. I really need to be gentle with myself and acknowledge it all.
So what does all that really mean? Why am I telling you all this? Hopefully you can take something from my words, even if it is only to recognise that you are not on your own in this very mixed up world at the moment but really, I’m just letting off steam and talking about how I’m feeling. I’d lost control of my life’s outcome and thus control of how I was dealing with it, so how do I restart?
Gently! I need to be gentle on myself. My brushes and paint are all there waiting for me to pick them back up, when I’m ready. When it comes to my art life the only thing I can control is what and how I paint or express myself. It can be influenced by external things that are out of my control but ultimately I control what comes from that.
Reflecting on all this, even the way I have chosen to paint reflects my life experience with regards to control. I let the paint flow to create it’s own patterns and textures, guiding it as best I can but often letting it do it’s own thing. Then I come in and make changes to what I have before me and turn it into something more like what I wanted.
When I stop and think about it, that is life… full stop!
They say art imitates life, but maybe life can sometimes imitate art for the sake of our sanity. We have no real control, but we can make of it what we want with a few tweaks and changes, sometimes though, a piece has to just sit and wait until you see what needs to be added or changed, sometimes it needs to be thrown away and restarted, without remorse, without regret but always to start again, with a new vigor, a new outlook, a new glint in the eye and a smile.
